Reprint of the speech I gave today in Highland Park:
You're faced with a choice this year.
A Choice between hope, and despair.
Between fear, and courage.
Between the failed policies of the past, and bold new ideas for the future.
In this time of uncertainty and division, I say, why not give the failed ideas of the past one more chance?
By attending My Birthday Party, this May 3rd, 2008, at the Nicholson Park polling station, and most importantly, by electing Me as President of My Party, you'll send a powerful message - That in America, even the fact that my actual birthday is on April 24th shouldn't be any barrier to reaching the highest pinnacle of achievement in drinking, dancing, and inching one year closer to dying in obscurity.
But I promise more than just a great fucking birthday party. If you elect me, you'll be electing a guy who tries very, very hard to appear like he isn't going bald. Without combing over. That isn't easy. Not only that, but I have the libretto from the H.M.S. Pinafore memorized. Can my opponent say that? Would he want to?
My opponent may hate this country and everything in, and he may intend to steal from you, your family, and your children. But I can do better than that.
My platform is good for America, but more importantly, it's good for Me. God Bless America, and God Bless me.
Thank you.
